something very bad happened today.
my sister died.
she overdosed on meth and zanex.
no....im not ok.
im in shock.
i still cant believe it.
im not sure if i will ever be ok.

R.I.P
Nicole Alisha Hillard
August 7, 1984 - June 21, 2008

i guess im ok.
i mean i still havent accepted the fact that she's gone.
she was my sister. and it just completely shocks me.
she was soo young.
everyone is kinda ata lose for words right now.
we are taking care of what needs to be done.
but i dont think anyway has really sat down and talked about what happened.
maybe justin (her husband) and his mom and family have talked about it.
but i know my side of the family really hasnt. (step mom, mom dad etc. )
im not sure what to do.
the funeral isnt until friday.
and i really dont want to be stuck at home to think.
i cant think about it right now.
i havent accepted it yet. atleast i dont think i have. idk.
maybe when i go to the funeral i finally will.
i am honestly still in shock.
its scary. how fast your world can get flipped upside down.
its all a waiting game now i guess.
i most of the arrangements have been made and everything.
i really do need to get out of the house this week.
i cant stay at home.
especailly with how upset my step mother has been.
she hasnt helped.
everyone is worried that im just blocking this out. and that im shuting down.
maybe i am.
but i dont think so.
i've always been the type to deal with thing by myself.
in the privacy of my own room and alone.
and i havent gone through it i nmy head and what.
yea i've had my mental break downs already.
there are more to come im sure.
but i got to find some one to hang with or something.
being in this house just waiting around.
its gonna kill me.
im not a patient person.
i get aggitated easy and idk.
im starting to repeat my self.
im just rambling i guess.
rambling helps.
getting out what i want to say or what ever.
i'll post another entry on wednesday.
to keep my friends up to date on how im doing i guess.
idk............

like i said i would post an entry today.
well today was stressful.
went and talked with my sisters husband today.
and of course i cried.
its been hard.
i cant get to sleep til late.
i havent been hungry so i really havent been eating.
and the days have just blended together.
i've had constant dizziness and migraines since she died.
most of the time i cant tell whats even going on.
im confused and idk what to do.
i keep going through what happened.
i still cant accept it.
it feels like a dream.
a really horrible terrefying dream.

well im probably not gonna be on this week.
im spending the week with my cuz.
i need out of the house.
and i dont want to be home alone for a week
while my dad's at work and my stepmother is
recovering for having knee replacement.
soo i'll ttyl. when i can.
bye bye.

ok so i re-did my profile. and my myspace profile.
i am so happy with them.
im going to be posting lots more pics and stuf.
ohh yea and i randomly kissed the guy i like today.
i cant believe i did that lol.
so yea.
anyway
here in the next few day i will be posting this about each one of my friends. why i love them. what they mean to mean and blah blah blah you know all the gushy crap lol
but yea just my way of showing my friends how much i love them
so yea.
write more later. ttyl.

~hobbit~

OK so this is more of a 'get things out of my head so it doesn't torture me' journal lol.
OK SO i just feel so overwhelmed lately.
like school is getting confusing. i feel like i'm not understanding what I'm learning. and I'm not sure how to get it to where i do understand and I'm not so damn confused.
secondly. thing at home are getting way to tense. no one is really talking any more cuz it all just ends up to be arguments. especially with me and like my personal life. i don't want to tell them that. i would be dead lol.
*sigh* who knows anymore. sometimes i wonder why I'm still alive, you know? its like whats the point your going to die anyway so what use is all the things you learn and all the life lessons and shit for? it doesn't make since.
and another thing. you know how you suppose to find who you are and crap. how the hell am i suppose to figure that out. I'm SO fucking confused.
its like what the hell?
i don't get this shit. i like learning shit from a book like a teacher telling you this is how you do this and its all logical but life Inst logical and you cant be taught how to live, you just do it and learn from your mistakes and what is right for you might not be for another person so you just go through life learning how to live basically.

anyway I'm just really confused i guess.
so that it s for now.
please comment.

~blessed be~

OK you know how we all have our own way of thinking?
well what if you tried to look at things in a different way?
would it be the same or different?
like how you look at something that could mean different things and you automatically jump to the most perverted thing
i propose a challenge. a personal challenge mostly. pick any day you want and make that day the day you look at everything in a different way. say you have a really hard test coming up. and say normally you go in to take a test and go OK, i will probably fail but I'm going to try my best anyway.
instead say i will pass and i will do my very best.
that's just a very simply way of looking at it. and the best explanation i can give.
i just want everyone to see if they notice things they didn't before by looking at things from a different perspective for a day.

~blessed be~

to much drama. the end.
lol well i've just been in a wierd mood i guess.
to much stress.
anyway
im SOOO EXCITED FOR TWILIGHT!!!!
i want to see it so bad. but i have no money.
anyone want to take me to see it??
i would love you forever?
lol xD
its going to suck though cuz everyone will get to see it beofre me and then i will have to listen to everyone talk about it lol
too many of them give away parts of a movie lol
and they do it on purpose just to piss me off
lol anyway.
ttyl i guess?
maybe...
possibly...

~hobbit~